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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25718695">Deserving</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/kuragay/pseuds/kuragay'>kuragay</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Natsume Week 2020 [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Natsume Yuujinchou | Natsume's Book of Friends</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Child Abuse, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Natsume Takashi's Terrible Childhood, Past Child Abuse, Recovery, Tumblr: Natsume Week, Tumblr: Natsume Week 2020</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 10:42:26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,238</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25718695</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/kuragay/pseuds/kuragay</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Takashi skips meals. It's not on purpose, but it becomes a habit nonetheless.</p><p>The first time it happens, Takashi’s eight, and he’s too afraid to go out of his room for dinner because that would mean having to interact with the family who’s just taken him in, and they’re scary.</p><p>-</p><p>Day 5: Bad Habits</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Fujiwara Shigeru &amp; Natsume Takashi, Fujiwara Touko &amp; Natsume Takashi, Kitamoto Atsushi &amp; Natsume Takashi, Natsume Takashi &amp; Nishimura Satoru</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Natsume Week 2020 [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1812550</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>457</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Deserving</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The first time it happens, Takashi’s eight, and he’s too afraid to go out of his room for dinner because that would mean having to interact with the family who’s just taken him in, and they’re scary. The man especially, with his hard eyes, and his phone calls at night complaining about Takashi to other family members.</p><p>Takashi doesn’t even know what he did, but he knows he’s been bad, so he hides away in his blanket and doesn’t dare go out. Unfortunately, that means he can’t go out to eat, and by the time he gathers his nerves to come out of the corner he’s shoved himself into, it’s far too late for dinner.</p><p>And then, as if the first time was a catalyst, it starts to happen more often than not. This is because of two facts Takashi knows well. Number one: he’s a coward and he’s scared of the tall, loud man who paces the halls of the house that Takashi can’t find in him to call home. Number two: when he’s scared, he loses his appetite. </p><p>When he finally moves, he thinks maybe he can break this habit, but he’s tossed into the arms of a new adult--a man who inhales and exhales nicotine like it’s oxygen, and his hope crumbles to dust right before his eyes. Even as the man takes him to his car, his grip on Takashi is too tight, too latching, and it burns.</p><p>But it turns out that even without intentionally skipping meals, the man forgets to feed him. He’s too busy out, and when he’s home he locks himself in his room. He yells at his wife a lot, and it’s worse than the man before who just spoke mean things on the phone. The new man screams mean things in person.</p><p>The first time he hits Takashi, it’s just a slap on the face, but it shocks him enough that he forgets how to move. He brings his hand up to his reddening cheek, and the man seems equally shocked. He gets Takashi an ice pack and buys a tub of ice cream and then seems to forget about it, but Takashi doesn’t forget.</p><p>The second time, it’s more of a shove, but it’s hard enough that Takashi’s knees hit the wooden floor. The man storms past him, angry about something, and Takashi gingerly picks himself up before hiding away. He doesn’t have a room here. He sleeps in the living room, but if he curls up small enough, he can fit completely underneath the toddler blanket they’ve given him, and he can pretend to be somewhere else. He doesn’t eat dinner that night because he falls asleep, and he wakes up with pale bruises on his knees and thinks that it could be worse.</p><p>It continues like this for a while, and then he moves again.</p><p>And again.</p><p>And he keeps moving and moving.</p><p>There are homes with youkai in them that yell at him during meal times, so sometimes that’s why he avoids the kitchen. Sometimes the adults prefer to ignore him, so they forget to feed him. He still remembers the Aoi family, with the youkai on the walls, full of darkness and despair, and he remembers the girl who would hit him and scream and cry, so despite the kindness of her parents, he’s glad to leave that home.</p><p>He remembers a warm cat he hugged in a field while running from a youkai, and how by the time he let the cat go and made his way home, all the food had been put away.</p><p>At fifteen, a youkai breaks the school windows, and a lady with sharp nails, red lips, and a smile more bitter than the alcohol she drinks takes him away. When her nails dig into his arm, he remembers that man he lived with when he was younger. The man who would shove him and slap him around.</p><p>His small reminisce proves more telling than not when they get home and she immediately backhands him.</p><p>“Don’t cause trouble,” she says, then takes her shoes off and slams the door to her bedroom shut. Takashi wants to scream. Wants to cry. Wants to run far far away where he can be alone and not be hurt.</p><p>But humans hurt him, and youkai hurt him, and he doesn’t think he’ll ever find peace. He rubs his cheek, sighs, then heads into the house. The husband shows him his room, looking at least a little apologetic, and Takashi lays out a futon. He immediately lies down and shuts his eyes and wonders if he could actually just leave. Pack his bags and find somewhere else to go.</p><p>He doesn’t eat dinner.</p><p>The next morning, he doesn’t eat breakfast.</p><p>He thinks his house may kill him. He thinks he’s tired enough to let it.</p><p>-</p><p>Then he seals a youkai and falls from a small cliff, and he wakes up in the hospital with the Fujiwaras looking at him with such kindness.</p><p>“Would you like to come with us?” Touko says, and she’s so very gentle. Her hands don’t hurt, and her eyes are so warm, and she looks at him like he’s something to be cherished. It’s so strange to see that Takashi starts to cry, and his back bows as he leans forward, his hand furiously swiping at tears.</p><p>“Please,” he says as his voice breaks. “Please.”</p><p>They take him home.</p><p>-</p><p>Touko cooks so much. She’s always so busy, and she never lets Takashi help much in the kitchen. The bentos she makes for him are always filled with protein and carbohydrates.</p><p>The first week he’s there, he’s so shocked by the amount of food that he doesn’t know what to do. </p><p>He eats a bowl of rice and makes sure not to take too many of the shrimps that Touko made, and when Shigeru tells him to get another bowl of food, he shakes his head.</p><p>“Thank you for the meal,” he says before he gets up and makes his way to his room. He crawls under his blanket like he did when he was much younger and he doesn’t know why he’s crying. He doesn’t know if he’s happy or sad, but everything’s so overwhelming.</p><p>Touko comes in later and sets a glass of milk and some red bean buns on his table. “For if you get hungry later,” she says, and she seems so concerned. She kneels by Takashi’s futon and gently runs a hand through his hair. “Are you feeling alright?”</p><p>“Just tired,” he manages to say and finds that he can’t quite meet her eyes. Her fingers against his scalp are cool, and it feels so nice that he wants her to do this forever. No one’s ever touched his hair like this before. He remembers the kids at school used to like to tug at it because it’s a strange colour, but Touko’s touch is loving and tender.</p><p>“Get a good rest tonight then.”</p><p>When she leaves, he curls in on himself and wonders why no one else has treated him like this before. Did he not deserve it before? Does he deserve it now? He doesn’t understand. </p><p>(Within the year, he’ll understand that humans inherently have worth, and that he never deserved to be hit or ridiculed or ignored. Within the year, he’ll understand that he doesn’t have to do anything to deserve kindness--that people should’ve been kind to him all long. But for now, since he doesn’t yet know, he closes his eyes and sleeps, his stomach not painfully empty like usual, but his heart heavy with turmoil. Within the year, he will accept love like it’s a part of him. He can wait for this, even though he doesn’t yet know he’s waiting at all).</p><p>-</p><p>Takashi can’t quite get himself up for breakfast, and he’s waiting for it to be another missed meal. What he’s not expecting is for Shigeru to come up with four slices of milk bread and miso soup on a tray. </p><p>“How are you feeling?” he asks. “Touko said you were tired last night.”</p><p>Takashi looks at the food that Shigeru sets down next to him and slowly sits up, wondering if he’s supposed to be eating. </p><p>“I--” he starts, then finds that his words are lost. He has no idea what to say. Instead, he stares at the food, purposely not making eye contact, and to his horror, Shigeru sits down.</p><p>“I know this is a big change,” Shigeru says, and Takashi unconsciously makes himself smaller. Somehow, Shigeru seems to notice him drawing back and he sets a hand on Takashi’s knee. “I want you to know,” he continues, “that you’re safe here. You can eat however much you want, and you can go out, and you can expect us to never, ever hurt you on purpose. I know the families you’ve stayed with have not been kind, and I know you think that we’ll find you strange, but I want you to understand that none of that matters to us.” Shigeru takes a breath, and Takashi finally looks up and finds that Shigeru’s eyes are kind too. They are different from Touko’s, but they are equally attentive. “It doesn’t matter if you do things that we might consider strange. At the end of the day, this is your home, and we have lots of love to give.”</p><p>He stands and shifts awkwardly on his feet. “Eat up,” he says. Then, “We’re so happy to have you with us.” It’s unexpected, the hand the falls on Takashi’s head, and he accidentally flinches.  But Shigeru only ruffles his hair once before leaving, and it’s not rough at all. It’s almost a caress.</p><p>When he’s alone, Takashi stares at the food for the little longer, and decides that he could eat. He picks the bread up and takes a bite.</p><p>It’s sweet.</p><p>-</p><p>It’s not just Touko and Shigeru. He makes friends, and they look out for him too.</p><p>“Geez, Natsume. You’re skin and bones,” Nishimura jokes, and Kitamoto practically shoves a giant chocolate bar at him.</p><p>“It’s my favourite chocolate,” Kitamoto says with a smile. “So enjoy it, okay?”</p><p>Takashi wants to protest and give it back. Who gives away their favourite chocolate? But Kitamoto just keeps putting it back into his hands, and Nishimura rolls his eyes. </p><p>“You have to take it, Natsume. Kitamoto’s too stubborn. He’ll just keep giving it to you.”</p><p>So Takashi takes it home with him, just in case he needs to save it for when he has to go hungry again. He stashes it in his closet where he thinks Touko won’t find it, and when Kitamoto asks him how it tasted the next day, Takashi lies and says it tasted good.</p><p>He’s not quite sure how he would explain that he hasn’t eaten it, and has instead hid it in his closet for later like a squirrel. It would be humiliating, he thinks. </p><p>Only, as the days go by, not once does his stomach ache in the middle of the night. Dinner is always on the table no matter how late he gets back even though he tries not to be late at all. Sometimes he can’t help it if he gets caught up with youkai, and he returns home expecting the lights to be out and the kitchen to be empty. But the lights are always on, and Touko and Shigeru are always sitting and chatting at the kitchen table, and there’s always food that Touko’s happy to heat up.</p><p>“Sorry for the trouble,” Takashi says, but Touko sets a hand on his face and rubs along his cheek bone.</p><p>“None of that, now,” she says as Shigeru chuckles.</p><p>“You’re a teenager,” Shigeru says. “I’m glad you’re out having fun.”</p><p>When he eats, he still feels the heat of Touko’s palm on his face, and he inexplicably wants to cry. Usually, a hand against his cheek means pain, so for a touch that usually hurts to be so warm--Takashi has never felt like this before.</p><p>The chocolate bar sits in his closet, forgotten.</p><p>-</p><p>Six months later, when Kitamoto, Nishimura, Tanuma, and Taki are over, they go digging in Takashi’s closet for photos and find the chocolate bar. </p><p>“You never ate it!” Kitamoto accuses, and Nishimura howls with laughter.</p><p>“Give it here then! I’ll eat it.”</p><p>They end up all splitting it. The chocolate is still good, and it melts on Takashi’s tongue. </p><p>“I was saving it for an emergency,” Takashi admits after, and his friends all look at him like he’s grown two heads. Nyanko-Sensei also looks at him, but more contemplatively than the rest.</p><p>“I would’ve gladly given you another one,” Kitamoto says, but his expression is something Takashi can’t quite place. Equal parts sadness and exasperation, maybe. “Any time you ask, I’ll give you one. I promise.”</p><p>Takashi blinks and realizes that this is true. He doesn’t have to expect to be hungry anymore. He doesn’t have to hide away under blankets and in corners. He doesn’t have to go to sleep with his stomach aching and groaning. He hasn’t for several months now. He’ll probably never have to again. </p><p>When his friends leave later that evening, Takashi’s heart is light, and dinner has erased the taste of chocolate from his mouth. He sleeps with his stomach full, and he lets this become his new normal.</p>
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